I was stunned at the size of the doubt-storms that were rolling across the landscape of my life. Suddenly I was being engulfed by dark clouds of questioning God, myself, what I believed about everything.
It is easy to believe in a God of Love when everything in your life is rosy, but when things fall apart? Then you begin to wonder and doubt creeps in.
Why has this happened?
Is it something I’ve done… something I didn’t do?
Or, am I just a victim of chance after all?
In the first days after I returned home from the hospital, I have to tell you, it was God’s silence that made these storms almost unendurable.
How could God be silent when I was in so much pain?
Dark, dark, thoughts paraded through my head daily.
I didn’t want the life I had just been handed. If this was what my life was now to be? I didn’t think I could bear it.
The darker my thoughts became, the deeper my depression grew.
It felt as if I was on a long slide into nothingness.
Nothing in my life looked good to me anymore. I felt broken, yes—but worse, I felt broken beyond repair.
This is what depression will do.
It takes you to a place where everything is doused in dark colors and shadows. All brokenness looks irredeemable. You feel completely disconnected from anyone with hope.
Because your hope, has been buried under a landslide of pain, and unanswered questions!
I found myself in a place where songs, sermons, and Christian cliches, could not even begin to reach me.
A severely depressed person sees no hope, because they see no future. Clouds of doubt and fear swallow you whole.
Only one thing was able to pierce my darkness: His Voice.
He whispered, “Life is not over…” and a small glimmer of Light pierced the darkness and found its way into my broken heart.
It was a start.
The dark and The Light began doing battle each day.
His Voice brought hope—but still the dark persisted.
The dark had all my broken evidence on his side.
A tug-of-war was going on in my heart and mind; faith pulling one way; darkness and doubt pulling the other.
Strangely enough, it was an ancient song that turned the tide; a psalm of David.
His words from centuries past spoke to me with understanding and commiseration.
My present doubts and darkness were not unfamiliar to him…
“I waited patiently for God to help me; then He listened and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path…” Psalm 40: 1-2David was describing exactly where I was.
And, how I felt.
RUNNING IN CIRCLES
Don’t let the enemy sidetrack you honey.
See how he taunts you; how he works to provoke you?
You’ve really got him worried Sweetheart.
Just settle down in Me.
Don’t let him stir up your inner man.
Don’t let him create chaos in your outer circumstances.
You have this power over him, not the other way around! If he can provoke you; get you running in circles emotionally; he can hinder My work in you and through you.
But you are too smart for him. You know what to do and how to do it! You have come, too far, to let him sidetrack you now.
Don’t you hear it? The music? Don’t you hear what is flowing from your heart and soul? A new song—a new symphony from you to My world!
You thought it was just for My people?
Oh, no. I have much bigger things in mind for you.
Why do you think the enemy torments you so, day and night?
I see. I hear.
But, child… oh, My sweet adorable one… the music!
Where once there were squeaky notes of discord, ah now… the rhythm and harmony… how I love it! (How I love you!) You are beginning to understand how much I love you. And together—together we are writing new songs for the whole world to sing!
Keep your peace honey. Don’t let him steal it, ever!
It is the prelude to music!
“He has given me a new song to sing… many will hear of the glorious thing he did… and put their trust in him.”