I didn’t believe anything could shipwreck my beliefs but I had never been in a storm like this one.
If I were to say that my doctors didn’t take my response to their diagnosis well—that would be putting it mildly.
These guys were men of science.
They thought my faith was absurd!
I was told in no uncertain terms that if I did not follow their diagnosis their would be consequences!
Prayer—What is that?
My beliefs only made them angry.
Their threats became nastier.
They informed me I couldn’t leave the hospital until they ran more tests.
More tests? The bills were already in the stratosphere and now there would be no job and no money?
How had my beliefs brought me here?
My life was spiraling out of control!
So I called for the Patient Advocate because even in the hospital we have legal rights.
I asked him for a clear explanation of what my legal rights were.
He told me my options and I checked myself out of the hospital A.M.A. which means “against medical advice.”
I went home still experiencing all of my negative symptoms.
That’s when God “showed up” in an interesting twist of events.
The hospital wouldn’t let me check out without giving them the name of a personal doctor.
So I gave them the first name I could find but they faxed all my tests to the “wrong” doctor. Except he really was the RIGHT doctor!
He told me what was wrong with me, prescribed the correct medication, and most of my symptoms disappeared in a few days.
And my angry doctors?
They made good on all their threats.
I lost my freedom because they revoked my driver’s license.
Losing my driver’s license meant losing my job.
The hospital costs for all their tests put me into medical bankruptcy which meant my five-star credit rating was gone!
My family whispered in corners looking at me like, “What did you DO to make God so angry?”
What about my remaining symptoms?
I still could not walk from room to room without leaning on the walls for support. I had blinding headaches that stayed with me all day. It was tough to focus my eyes to write; forget about reading or TV.
I sat on my couch each day in stunned, hurting, lonely, silence. I was numb with pain, both physical, and emotional. Forget about feeling anything “spiritual.” I didn’t want to read my bible. I didn’t want to pray. I did not call for the church or pastors to see me. I didn’t want to talk with anyone.
I had nothing to say to God or anyone else.
I was angry and afraid.
My life as I knew it had been destroyed. I felt as if I had been shipwrecked.
How was I supposed to fix this mess if I couldn’t work?
I thought each day about ending my life. My anger, doubts and uncertainty made everything look darker and darker as I stared into that black hole called hopelessness.
Questions kept circling in my mind like, “What had I done? Where had I messed up? Why was all this terrible stuff happening?”
Wasn’t obedience to God supposed to equal blessings?
I was caught up in one of the worst spiritual storms of my life.
Just when it seemed that the darkness would swallow me whole—God showed up—again.
But now the Lord who created you, O Israel, says: Don’t be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you… you are precious to me and honored, and I love you.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Isaiah 43:1, 2, 5 TLB