Tag Archives: despair

A Closer Walk: Where Do You Take Your Anger and Hurt?

What do you do when the One you trusted to always take care of you, always be there for you, let’s you down? Where do you take your anger and your hurt?

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You realize you’re adrift, because the One you really need to talk to about everything, is the very One you are convinced has betrayed you.

Talk about frustrating.

Now what do you do?

Where do you go?

To whom do you speak?

That was my dilemma.

I had “believed” with all my heart that I had developed this face-to-face, heart-to-heart relationship with God. I had believed His word promised that He would always protect me. He was “my hiding place” where I could run and tuck myself under His wings… close… right next to A Heart that I just knew, would never let me down.

At least that’s what all the songs and bible verses had said—had promised.

Only, I was let down.

Monumentally so.

And I hurt.

I hurt

Like Job, my life was shattered in a million impossible pieces and I was wrestling with how to reconcile my understanding of all those beautiful bible promises with my confusing and darkening realities. This ugly stuff wasn’t supposed to happen to someone who had trusted and obeyed! Was it? And, as if my hurt and confusion wasn’t bad enough, add to it, all my so called friends and family had stepped way back, only watching my chaotic life from a nice cool distance.

Daily, their stony silence speaking volumes to my bleeding soul.

Ah yes, Job’s friends.

The “One” who could have prevented all of this—didn’t.

Now what was I supposed to do? To, believe? What kind of a GOD was this? And, why had He deserted me?

What had I done but trust Him utterly?

I had no answers, only lots of confused questions, hurt, and anger.

For three long months, each day I awoke to another day of turmoil. Sitting in stunned angry silence. (I smile now, remembering.) Because even though I didn’t want to talk to God, God was having none of it!

And so He began to gently whisper… and I listened.

I was desperate.

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I AM WITH YOU

Talk to Me.

I AM here: with you.

I know the others left you ~ let you down. My friends sometimes let Me down, too. They tried. They just couldn’t be there for Me. You know. Your friends have let you down, too.

(I know.)

You will have to make the same choice I did. You will have to forgive them their weaknesses and frailty. Come, if I did it, you can too.

I’ll help you.

You must learn the difference between the finite and the infinite ~ between potence, impotence, and omnipotence.

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POTENCE: a vessel for force and power. That’s you! In all these difficulties and trials I AM creating in you a ‘force and power’ for My Kingdom. What you are going through, is preparing you, for what you are believing Me for. I will help you through.

Now, IMPOTENCE.

(We have talked of this.)

I want you to understand and learn, once-and-for-all, where power comes from:

“Vain is the arm of flesh.”

Your friends only have influence. I give you power.

Which brings Me to OMNIPOTENCE: unlimited power!

(That’s me of course.)

Dearest, can you see now? For Kingdom work influence will not carry you through. You need Me. I AM your supply of unlimited power!

Apart from Me you can do nothing.

That’s not idle chatter ~ that’s your LIFE!

a closer walk

 

“But God is my helper. He is a friend of mine.”

Psalm 54:4

 

… Nope.

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Are we there yet God? Have we finally found it…

Rock bottom?

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(Am I done falling?)

It feels like I’ve finally found the cement—no further to fall…

Yes, Rock bottom.

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Can it be?

Oh God, I hope so.

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The sages say when you find rock-bottom the only way is up.

Oh, God… what would “up” look like?

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This hole is so deep—my pain now my constant companion.

Up? On what planet does the “up-life” live?

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I thought arriving in this vineyard was finding my inevitable rock-bottom… nope.

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  • I thought, the 1st year, 2nd year, 3rd year… nope.
  • Facing the loss, the pain, the grief, the abandonment—nope!
  • Walking away from You.
  • Yep! Stony-cold-dark-rock-bottom… when I started hating You.

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I used to think that it was impossible for a “Christian” to hate God.

Impossible! Unthinkable treason!

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(You and I know different.)

No lies between us—nope.

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That was our deal. Our contract.

No phony, plastic, posturing… nope.

No matter how ugly the truth, no matter how hard rock-bottom…

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Face-to-face, heart-to-heart, no bull, no blarney… right?

Yep!

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So here we are God.

I’m in this vineyard of graves and fruitless vines; led here by You… and I’ve finally said it.

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I hate You for bringing me here

leaving me here…

for only God knows what purpose!

(No bull in that.)

Nope.

The DREAM-MAKER’S Promise:

“My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; In the morning I will direct it to You, And I will look up.” Psalm 5:3 NKJV

The Caterpillar’s Prayer:

Father, I’ve only this, “…the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!'” [Luke 18:13 NKJV]

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The Tumblers Will Click

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Oh, God! When did I stop believing this?

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“The tumblers will click someday.”

(I used to believe.)

 

I used to think, “One day, some day, some way—He’ll come. You would come!”

You’d spin the dial on the padlocks in my life and I would be free!

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But, now?

 

When did it happen?

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I just stopped.

I stopped looking for You.

I stopped expecting things to change.

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I’m looking back over my shoulder trying to see the day or the moment when my hope turned to stone.

 

 

 

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Now I stare at my cell and my locks and I feel nothing at all.

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It just stopped.

It all stopped working for me.

All the songs, all the sermons; people of faith look like aliens to me now.

Two-headed creatures from another planet!

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I know You promised God.

My head knows.

But, my heart?

It’s over there, in the corner of my soul, curled into the fetal position, stillmutecold.

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How did this happen?

Where?

When?

Why?

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I should weep or wail.

I should be terrified, or furious, shouldn’t I?

My heart is on life support.

My hope is D.O.A.

And, me?

I don’t feel anything at all, except… curious.

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When did I stop believing God?

The DREAM-MAKER’S Promise:

“And it will be said in that day: ‘Behold, this is our God; We have waited for Him, and He will save us, This is the LORD; We have waited for Him; We will be glad and rejoice in His salvation.'” Isaiah 25:9 NKJV

The Caterpillar’s Prayer:

God? What good is church to one who no longer believes?

I can’t relate to those people God. (You know I can’t.) What am I supposed to do? Lie? Fake it? I hate that stuff! (And so do You!)

The only Believer I can relate to now is that honest-heart from so long ago. (You know the one.) His cry is mine as well: “LORD… help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

Tiny Sparrow

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A sparrow on mountain top far, far, away

Turned its eyes to heaven and began to say

Can you really see me God? Hear me when I pray?

Will you reeeally come  –  watch over me today?

~~~

When God’s angels heard, “This foolish bird!”

They gasped… and looked at God.

Would wrath replace His loving smile?

(They all began to nod.)

Surely impertinence like this

Would be met with lightening rod!

~~~

But God reached down and gathered up,

His frightened little bird…

And turned to speak, to angel host,

“Your judgements are absurd!”

Then He placed the little fellow,

Where he wouldn’t miss a word…

~~~

My dearest little sparrow,

I AM the God who hears,

All your questions, all your doubts,

And your every fear;

I AM the One, who gathers and saves,

Each tiny little tear!

~~~

When all gets dark, and you lose heart…

When hopes begin to quail,

When heaven seems like brass to you,

And songs turn into wails…

Remember, I AM watching…

And My grace will never fail!

~~~

Don’t fear what you can’t understand…

What trials and hardships there demand;

For each and every day on Earth,

I hold you… in My mighty hands!

Just trust, that everything’s designed…

According to My perfect plan!

~~~

In all of My creation, whether near or very far,

My eyes behold your greatest need,

… don’t wish upon a star!

But turn your eyes to Heaven,

For I’m watching where you are.

~~~

And if you need Me… I’ll be there!

I’ll take good care of you!

Before you call… I’ll answer;

Open up the skies of blue!

You’re My precious… tiny… sparrow,

What’s that? Ahhh, yes, I love you, too!

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