Notes To My Caterpillar: Remember To Whom You Speak

There are limits Caterpillar…

Yes, “Love endures all things…” but—there are limits.

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Remember to Whom you speak.

My love for you is limitless.

My patience—is not.

Not with insolence.

Not with stiff-necked rebellion.

My word says, “Be angry, BUT…”

Anger is part of dealing with your grief and loss. Your anger with others, and now finally, your anger with Me. I allow the honest outpouring of grief, frustration, and loss. Venting those things can be healthy. Facing where you really are, is much more preferable to Me, than a posturing-puppet-pretending-piety…

(You know those guys make Me puke!)

Nevertheless, remember to Whom you speak Caterpillar.

You address a King who can slay legions with a glance from the fire in His eyes.

Holiness is not optional.

Your Adonai ~ El Shaddai,

The Dream-Maker

 

REMEMBER WHEN YOU PRAYED…

Speak LORD, your servant is listening?

WORDS TO REMEMBER:

“I’m speechless, in awe—words fail me.
    I should never have opened my mouth!
I’ve talked too much, way too much.
    I’m ready to shut up and listen.”

Job 40:3-5Job 40:3-5
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3 Then Job answered Yahweh, 4 “Behold, I am of small account. What shall I answer you? I lay my hand on my mouth. 5 I have spoken once, and I will not answer; Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further.”

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The Message

Notes To My Caterpillar: Remember With Me

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My Dearest Caterpillar,

Remember when you first asked Me to take you up to the clouds?

“…rainbows height.” you prayed.

Remember?

You looked at yourself (judging correctly) that you did not have what it takes for skimming rainbows.

Remember?

You cried. You begged Me, “…to make you something new.”

Remember?

And so, I listened to your prayers…

I said, “This caterpillar seeks and searches for Me, with all its heart. Yes, a weakling frail and small, today… Ahhhh, but with so much potential!

I said, “This caterpillar has found favor with Me, for I have sworn by Myself, that I would be found by every searching heart!”

I said, “I must hearken to this caterpillar’s prayers!”

You bound Me by My promise little worm… and so we began this journey, to transform you… to give you wings.

The prayer was yours.

But, the process? The procedures? The place?

Those are Mine!

Your Undaunted Designer,

The Dream-Maker

 

REMEMBER YOUR PRAYER…

Abba, change me!

WORDS TO REMEMBER:

“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” God’s Decree.

Jeremiah 29:12-14Jeremiah 29:12-14
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12 You shall call on me, and you shall go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You shall seek me, and find me, when you shall search for me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, says Yahweh, and I will turn again your captivity, and I will gather you from all the nations, and from all the places where I have driven you, says Yahweh; and I will bring you again to the place from where I caused you to be carried away captive.

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The Message

 

Notes To My Caterpillar: Wormy Thinking

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Caterpillar…

Your view of the world is covered in mud!

Your perspective has become too narrow.

You are judging your life (and Me) based on what you see…

And you see… so little.

If you judge your future by your present “view” of things, you will always come to the wrong conclusions…

About you, about Me, about life!

What you see today is just a small piece of your journey.

When you go down a road, do you judge your destination by what the beginning stretch of the road looks like? Do you look around and say, “Ah… I see.”

Each part of your journey is essential to your ultimate destination.

You think to judge yourself (and what I am doing in you) by today’s “worms-eye-view?” You think you can see, all I have in My plan and purpose, by your tenure in this vineyard? Only one stretch of the road caterpillar… only one, stretch of the road.

Your broken heart clouds your eyes.

Your Faithful Guide,

The Dream-Maker

 

REMEMBER YOUR PRAYER…

Show me which way to go and I will go there?

 WORDS TO REMEMBER:

“And now my life drains out,
    as suffering seizes and grips me hard.
Night gnaws at my bones;
    the pain never lets up.
I am tied hand and foot, my neck in a noose.
    I twist and turn.
Thrown facedown in the muck,
    I’m a muddy mess, inside and out.”

Job 30:16-19Job 30:16-19
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16 “Now my soul is poured out within me. Days of affliction have taken hold on me. 17 In the night season my bones are pierced in me, And the pains that gnaw me take no rest. 18 By great force is my garment disfigured. It binds me about as the collar of my coat. 19 He has cast me into the mire. I have become like dust and ashes.

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The Message

Notes To My Caterpillar: Truth

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My Dearest Caterpillar,

Finally

You and I arrive at truth.

(Truthfully, I’ve been here all along.)

I have been right here waiting… at Rock-Bottom-Truth… for you.

(Oh, My Beloved Caterpillar!)

How I long for you to see yourself as you will be. Not a worm crawling about in the muck of anger and bitterness… but up in the heavens, skimming the clouds; swimming in rainbows!

When did you stop believing?

A long way back!

You surrendered your hopes, your dreams, your expectations when you arrived…

Remember?

You hate it here?

(I know.)

You hate Me for bringing you here?

(Yes, I know.)

Now you do, too. No more holding it in… no more fists clenched in silent rage…

Now, we can begin to build on a firm foundation of Truth.

No other foundation will stand the test of where you and I are headed.

Your Heart’s Desire,

The Dream-Maker

REMEMBER YOUR PRAYER…

Lead me to my purpose LORD. Give me a place to stand and I will shake the earth?

WORDS TO REMEMBER:

“… you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:32John 8:32
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32 You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

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Part II ~ The Dream-Maker’s Discourse

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“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.”

Psalm 32:8-9Psalm 32:8-9
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8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you shall go. I will counsel you with my eye on you. 9 Don’t be like the horse, or like the mule, which have no understanding, Who are controlled by bit and bridle, or else they will not come near to you.

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Stone Walls

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~~~

Do you really think I sent you here,

Into this desert land;

And this is all I have for you,

Calamity, grief, and sand?

~~~

I know it seems as you first look

There’s nothing here you need,

But look again, My wilderness

Is fertile ground for seed

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In fact, this is the place I choose

To soften what is hardened

And grow in you, not brush and briar,

But a flourishing watered garden

~~~

This place that seems the end of all

Is but a fresh new start,

Where I will tear down stony walls

You’ve built around your heart…

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So know that as you languish here

When you have passed the test

A Promised Land awaits you

Of beauty, peace, and rest

~~~

… Nope.

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Are we there yet God? Have we finally found it…

Rock bottom?

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(Am I done falling?)

It feels like I’ve finally found the cement—no further to fall…

Yes, Rock bottom.

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Can it be?

Oh God, I hope so.

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The sages say when you find rock-bottom the only way is up.

Oh, God… what would “up” look like?

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This hole is so deep—my pain now my constant companion.

Up? On what planet does the “up-life” live?

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I thought arriving in this vineyard was finding my inevitable rock-bottom… nope.

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  • I thought, the 1st year, 2nd year, 3rd year… nope.
  • Facing the loss, the pain, the grief, the abandonment—nope!
  • Walking away from You.
  • Yep! Stony-cold-dark-rock-bottom… when I started hating You.

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I used to think that it was impossible for a “Christian” to hate God.

Impossible! Unthinkable treason!

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(You and I know different.)

No lies between us—nope.

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That was our deal. Our contract.

No phony, plastic, posturing… nope.

No matter how ugly the truth, no matter how hard rock-bottom…

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Face-to-face, heart-to-heart, no bull, no blarney… right?

Yep!

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So here we are God.

I’m in this vineyard of graves and fruitless vines; led here by You… and I’ve finally said it.

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I hate You for bringing me here

leaving me here…

for only God knows what purpose!

(No bull in that.)

Nope.

The DREAM-MAKER’S Promise:

“My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD; In the morning I will direct it to You, And I will look up.” Psalm 5:3Psalm 5:3
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3 Yahweh, in the morning you shall hear my voice. In the morning I will lay my requests before you, and will watch expectantly.

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The Caterpillar’s Prayer:

Father, I’ve only this, “…the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!'” [Luke 18:13Luke 18:13
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13 But the tax collector, standing far away, wouldn’t even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’

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Pain-Killer Laments

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It all stopped working God…

(What a dirty trick!)

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For so long, these pain-killers did their job.

I confess…

I loved them!

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I loved the numb.

I could breathe.

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A little at least.

Little seemed better than not at all, right?

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Then one day they just stopped.

Stopped doing their job!

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I confess God, I loved not feeling.

I loved just floating.

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To not feel the weight of my chains, even for a few hours, was such a relief!

Now, that’s gone too.

Now, no matter what I do. I feel. I see.

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And worst, I think!

Oh, what a blessed relief it was, not to think!

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I suspect You’ve something to do with this!

Not bad enough You’ve brought me here.

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Now You’ve taken away all anesthesia.

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Now I see myself as I really am—this fruitless tree!

Isn’t that an oxymoron God?

A fruit tree with no fruit?

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Couldn’t You have just let me be?

Was it so much to ask?

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Never mind.

Your silence is my answer.

Oh God!

This pain! This throbbing, pounding, relentless pain!

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Wasn’t it enough that I hate this place?

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Do I now get to hate You, too?

 

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The DREAM-MAKER’S Promise:

The Caterpillar’s Prayer:

An “awful grace” isn’t that what the poet said? Yes. I don’t know anymore about grace Father, but if this pain is a grace? It is certainly is an awful one!

How does one thank You for an awful grace? How does one bless with so much anger in their heart? How does one breathe through the smothering black clouds of pain?

(I confess… I do not know.)

Jeremiah… at least you understood what I am going through. At least God has given that grace—an understanding heart.

I hear your heart cries from centuries past, and they reach me here… right here, in these ashes of mine, and I know that I am not alone.

Cemetery Prayers

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God? I am haunting my ruins again. Wandering past the old gravestones of long dead hopes and dreams.

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Lord?

Why do I do it?

Why do I keep coming back here?

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Why do I haunt this place?

These dreams no longer dance—no longer sing—no.

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It’s so silent here and dark, but I keep coming back, sometimes to weep and feel the pain again, sometimes to just stand and stare—feeling so lost.

Oh, God!

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I’m lost to me but I’m not lost to You.

You know the answers to all my questions.

I thought I’d surrendered all my Why’s?

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I guess not.

Maybe it’s time to ask some new questions.

Questions like…

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“Where?” or “Who?” or “What?”

Anything but, why?

Such a useless thing—why.

What good is why?

Will an answer bring a resurrection or breathe life into these graves?

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Don’t answer God.

You don’t need to.

We both know the answer to that one!

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Save me from myself God.

You’re the only One who can!

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Forget these graves… breathe life back into me!

My heart feels as cold as these marble monuments.

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And just as hard.

Only You can save me…

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Heal me.

The DREAM-MAKER’S Promise:

“Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; Save me, and I shall be saved.” Jeremiah 17:14Jeremiah 17:14
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14 Heal me, O Yahweh, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for you are my praise.

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The Caterpillar’s Prayer:

Abba… Daddy-God, I have no hope but You. I have no prayer but this,”Heal me …breathe on these dry bones.”

 

The Tumblers Will Click

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Oh, God! When did I stop believing this?

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“The tumblers will click someday.”

(I used to believe.)

 

I used to think, “One day, some day, some way—He’ll come. You would come!”

You’d spin the dial on the padlocks in my life and I would be free!

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But, now?

 

When did it happen?

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I just stopped.

I stopped looking for You.

I stopped expecting things to change.

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I’m looking back over my shoulder trying to see the day or the moment when my hope turned to stone.

 

 

 

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Now I stare at my cell and my locks and I feel nothing at all.

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It just stopped.

It all stopped working for me.

All the songs, all the sermons; people of faith look like aliens to me now.

Two-headed creatures from another planet!

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I know You promised God.

My head knows.

But, my heart?

It’s over there, in the corner of my soul, curled into the fetal position, stillmutecold.

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How did this happen?

Where?

When?

Why?

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I should weep or wail.

I should be terrified, or furious, shouldn’t I?

My heart is on life support.

My hope is D.O.A.

And, me?

I don’t feel anything at all, except… curious.

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When did I stop believing God?

The DREAM-MAKER’S Promise:

“And it will be said in that day: ‘Behold, this is our God; We have waited for Him, and He will save us, This is the LORD; We have waited for Him; We will be glad and rejoice in His salvation.'” Isaiah 25:9Isaiah 25:9
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9 It shall be said in that day, “Behold, this is our God! We have waited for him, and he will save us! This is Yahweh! We have waited for him. We will be glad and rejoice in his salvation!”

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The Caterpillar’s Prayer:

God? What good is church to one who no longer believes?

I can’t relate to those people God. (You know I can’t.) What am I supposed to do? Lie? Fake it? I hate that stuff! (And so do You!)

The only Believer I can relate to now is that honest-heart from so long ago. (You know the one.) His cry is mine as well: “LORD… help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24Mark 9:24
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24 Immediately the father of the child cried out with tears, “I believe. Help my unbelief!”

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© 2017 Martha (Molly) Gibbons blog text. All rights reserved.